We at Anti-Arboreal Association know that not everyone can quickly incorporate our teachings without a fair amount of deprogramming from the years and years of the trees’ lies. That’s why we’re so grateful that our friends at Owlchemy Labs have built an app for that: Jack Lumber (available on Google Play for Android or the […]
In a recent paper published in the Frontiers in Plant Science, scientists find that trees let down their guard and sleep through the evening hours. Eetu Puttonen, who was a co-author of the study, says, learning when trees are drowsy and unawares can significantly “help the timber industry (where felled trees should preferably have a […]
Easily the most disturbing news of the week: several students in Estonia wanted to give voice to the rooted creatures surrounding their village, creating a “sculptural art piece” allowing the nearby woods to broadcast their hate 24/7 into the minds of all citizens. Theoretically, the students of the Estonian Academy of Arts will next be […]
Saturday Night Live bravely aired two warning shots to late night audiences this past weekend under the guise of “comedy” to avoid serious sapling scrutiny.
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While most know our esteemed Association for its hate-filled and fear-mongering tactics, we occasionally like to call out our brethren in the war against trees who show signs of success with a different approach. In this case, the fine folks at the Cat and Girl webcomic have found a means of introducing otherwise-unintending audiences to […]
In Issue #2 of The Occasional magazine‘s interview with Nick Offerman, the actor breaks character and explains why he is passionate about making wood furniture: “It’s not that I like building things out of wood; in fact, I hate it. But I just hate trees more. They need to be taught a lesson.” Support brave […]
We are all aware of the aftermath of feasting on your own species’ flesh: mad cow, spongiform encephalitis, etc. That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips. It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed […]
Ever wondered to which music the Ents would march while destroying our civilizations? Wonder no more. German artist Bartholomaus Traubeck bastardized a perfectly good record player to the dark art of playing a tree’s growth rings. Chamber music, it is not. Thanks to BuzzFeed for raising our awareness.
Some of our ardent fans ask, “How can I participate in the war against trees? What can I possibly do to root out these deviants from my own neighborhood?” Ask no more.
They’re not hydras, so don’t be scared to show their friends you mean business in this war. But remember: no chippers! Don’t spread their lies further than they already are.