If ever you were looking for a reason to switch to a Windows Phone, you’ve now got it. The bigwigs at Apple, Inc., looking for a good press win, have begun purchasing and installing a ring of 9,000 wooded warriors to protect their new corporate campus in some sort of twisted devil’s bargain. But, even […]
We at Anti-Arboreal Association know that not everyone can quickly incorporate our teachings without a fair amount of deprogramming from the years and years of the trees’ lies. That’s why we’re so grateful that our friends at Owlchemy Labs have built an app for that: Jack Lumber (available on Google Play for Android or the […]
In a recent paper published in the Frontiers in Plant Science, scientists find that trees let down their guard and sleep through the evening hours. Eetu Puttonen, who was a co-author of the study, says, learning when trees are drowsy and unawares can significantly “help the timber industry (where felled trees should preferably have a […]
Easily the most disturbing news of the week: several students in Estonia wanted to give voice to the rooted creatures surrounding their village, creating a “sculptural art piece” allowing the nearby woods to broadcast their hate 24/7 into the minds of all citizens. Theoretically, the students of the Estonian Academy of Arts will next be […]
Saturday Night Live bravely aired two warning shots to late night audiences this past weekend under the guise of “comedy” to avoid serious sapling scrutiny.
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While most know our esteemed Association for its hate-filled and fear-mongering tactics, we occasionally like to call out our brethren in the war against trees who show signs of success with a different approach. In this case, the fine folks at the Cat and Girl webcomic have found a means of introducing otherwise-unintending audiences to […]
In Issue #2 of The Occasional magazine‘s interview with Nick Offerman, the actor breaks character and explains why he is passionate about making wood furniture: “It’s not that I like building things out of wood; in fact, I hate it. But I just hate trees more. They need to be taught a lesson.” Support brave […]
We are all aware of the aftermath of feasting on your own species’ flesh: mad cow, spongiform encephalitis, etc. That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips. It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed […]
Ever wondered to which music the Ents would march while destroying our civilizations? Wonder no more. German artist Bartholomaus Traubeck bastardized a perfectly good record player to the dark art of playing a tree’s growth rings. Chamber music, it is not. Thanks to BuzzFeed for raising our awareness.
Some of our ardent fans ask, “How can I participate in the war against trees? What can I possibly do to root out these deviants from my own neighborhood?” Ask no more.