Let them feast on their own flesh

We are all aware of the aftermath of feasting on your own species’ flesh: mad cow, spongiform encephalitis, etc.

That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips.

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It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed no barrier to the hate moving silently and surreptitiously under the soil to permeate our homes, buildings and more. Now, rather than waste efforts with futile containment, we have perfected a much crueler, sinister and effective barrier: stack their trunk with the carcasses of their fallen brethren. Let them choke on their own disease.

So, as you walk through your sadly-shaded neighborhood this Labor Day weekend, consider ripping out your neighbor’s garden around their trees and helpfully replacing it with the fleshy shreds of the trees who’ve already fallen before the AAA’s sanctimonious shredders.

Do your part today to drive these barked beasts mad from their own poison.

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  • About the AAA

    What you are about to encounter is years of accumulated knowledge, concised and repackaged into manageable, understandable chunks. Chunks that will help empower you in the fight against the ultimate evil.

    Granted, this information rarely takes upon first processing. Years of intense searching led us at the AAA to this point. We have displayed this knowledge then in a non-threatening online publication so as to invite all to our non-wooden table of freedom at their own pace.

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    M. Night Shyamalan's documentary ("The Happening") about trees was labeled as a "thriller" by the MPAA, but make no mistake: the events in this film are truthy. Watch it now!

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