Torch the trees

There is no better way to celebrate the start of a new year than to initiate the end of an old fear.

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Mankind’s resilient bravery in action

Do your duty. Vote this video up on YouTube to remind mankind that we can (and must) fight back. No need to be passive in our quest to destroy the Scourge of Man from our planet.

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Internets kill trees!

Awesome, outstanding news just came in. W-Fi can kill (or deform) trees! A report from Holland says that Wi-Fi signals may seriously degrade a tree’s life.

So get to it. Grab as many discount routers this Black Friday as you can afford, turn them on, and crank ’em up. Because they’ll be in your house BEFORE you put your Christmas tree up, the trees won’t even know what’s hitting them.

Mankind (via the Dutch): +1.
Trees: 0.

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Snoop and Cudi spread anti-tree message to the masses

We cannot say enough how excited we at the Anti-Arboreal Association are about the new Snoop Dogg video for his That Tree video featuring Kid CuDi.

The video teems with anti-tree, tree-hating, tree-disrespecting, and tree-felling visuals against an incredibly catchy refrain, and stresses the importance of never forgetting those trees that have wronged you (or the ones you love) in the past.

After you’ve watched it, be sure to let your friends know. This is our chance! Because its hip-hop, it will almost certainly fall under the trees’ radar for the time being… they seem to relate more closely to bluegrass, so use this opportunity to get others hooked on the chorus before they wisen up.

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Tag and track the beast

Great news in the War on Tree Terrorism!

Trees Near You” is an iPhone application recently created by Brett Camper for New York City’s BigApps competition.

Apparently, NYC city government has street tree census data publicly available.

According to the app’s site,

Trees Near You helps you learn about more than 500,000 trees that live on New York City sidewalks. For any area of the city, from block to borough, you can see the different species that live there, and measure the environmental (and monetary!) benefits that these trees provide.

Go stalk, tag, and start tracking these barked beasts. And, if your city doesn’t have a street tree census, it might be time to propose just such a thing. Let the trees know that there’s nowhere to hide.

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Call ’em as you see ’em

A friend recently tipped us to a bold new campaign in England: call out the enemies in our midst via small but straightforward signage.

Dangerous Tree. Please do not enter.

Dangerous Tree. Please do not enter.

Take this case as an example. A despicable English tree was cordoned off with traffic cones and metal bars, and given the Scarlet Letter via a sign simply stating: “Dangerous Tree. Please do not enter.”

Can you imagine a simpler yet straight-to-the-point message to give our youth? Bravo to the bold souls in the UK who experimented with so brazen a tactic. Undoubtedly, the sequestered trees have begun to fight back more vehemently than ever… simply because violence is the only language trees know.

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Texas Trees on the Ropes

Awesome news from Texas.

According to the Dallas Morning News, Galveston’s tree population is decimated. More than 80% of the town’s trees are dead or dying, for a grand total of 42,800 trees!

Apparently the Galvestinians have already unleashed both hurricanes and killer fungus on the trees, but there are roughly 10,000 fortified trees still hanging on. Give them enough time, and they will sow their dirty seeds around the town, making the job all the harder as the weeks wear on.

Do not forget, though: we are winning this war… stay strong, grab an axe, and help finish the job that these brave Texans have begun. Push, push, PUSH to hit that 100% goal before the end of June!

Help make Texas a tree-free wonderland… a bastion of barkless of beauty to inspire generations to come.

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Mayans sabotaged by trees’ SOS call, not climate change

The truth behind the Mayan extinction has begun to surface, although the tree apologists continue tirelessly to spread disinformation.

A new report by University of Alabama in Huntsville outlines how the Mayans put tree-razing policies into practice, triggering the Spanish invasion.

However, the report suggests the ludicrous: the loss of trees over-stressed the Mayan communities?

Nonsense.

The Spaniards in the 1500s were well known to be patsies for trees. On the other hand, the Mayans, one of the greatest civilizations on Earth, expended great resources and energy over several centuries to remove the filthy beasts encroaching on their borders. The Spanish, having received distress signals from their canopied overlords, dashed to Central America to rescue them. Using brutal techniques (and a ruthlessness only seen by other tree-led despots), the conquistadors worked intensely to eradicate the Mayan race from the planet.

Fortunately, technology is re-arming mankind in it’s constant fight against the trees. Servir satellites now allows us to see through the “fog of bark” (which prevents us from finding the bodies and buildings of the heroic Maya) and plan daring raids on these MIAs and POWs.

Using this technology, we can make selective raids, and begin clearcutting the hell-bent Ents from our Earth, starting from these points. By pretending to be at these sites for archaeological purposes, we may yet have a chance to get an upper hand in the war on trees.

Here on Earth Day Eve, remember the fallen in man’s continuing fight against the Ents. Fund any and all efforts focused on ridding the Earth of its barked infestation.

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And this is how mankind will end …

Trees will burst from our chest, just like in “Alien”.

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Letters

Trees bring out the worst in people, as you are now surely aware. Fortunately, our members are willing to talk about their problems and adverse conditions so as to educate others. The following letters have been sent to us in these hopes. Read, learn, and act out of this new knowledge.


From “Fat Tony,” October 11, 1999:

We could certainly use your help with the trees. Last week, a two year old boy mysteriously vanished in the wilderness. They don’t know what happened, but I’ll tell you what, sure were a lot of TREES around…

Indeed, sounds a little too coincidental for us here at the Anti-Arboreal Association. Study after study these days shows that two year olds are more than capable of reading, writing and reasoning, and therefore are also more than capable of finding their way out of any “wilderness” any tree may put in front of them.

Of course, our initial reaction (burn the wilderness) was a little hasty. While the AAA certainly condones violence in its quest to destroy the trees, it certainly does not condone efforts that would hurt little children.

Hence, the AAA has initiated a call encouraging locals in the Boulder, CO, area to begin a systematic deforestation effort that should not, under any circumstances, stop upon the finding of the little boy. These trees are sick and twisted and will beckon our youth into their deadly, thorned grasp as long as they live and breath in our neighborhoods.


From “Fat Tony,” October 12, 1999:

Man, I didn’t even tell you about my personal run-in with the trees the weekend before last. True story. I was up in Rocky Mountain National Park hiking. I slipped and fell and there was this conspicuously well placed tree branch on the ground. It had a little nub sticking out where a smaller branch had broken off and I impaled my hand on it. Had to get two stitches. Thought I heard faint laughter as I stumbled back to the car, bleeding profusely. Friends thought it was “just the wind” — but I know better.

Even in delusional, pained states (brought on by the trees’ intense and timeless campaign of human humiliation) our members are able to see through the “acts of nature” that are no accident.

Our only concern lies in this member’s newly contaminated blood. Currently, the AAA has no “scientific” proof concerning the trees’ ability to control the minds of those whose bloodstream now carries the disgusting traces of sap and bark, only rumors and the teachings of the elders. However, there are several endeavors underway to help our brothers and sisters who have been victimized by the trees. Keep the faith.

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  • About the AAA

    What you are about to encounter is years of accumulated knowledge, concised and repackaged into manageable, understandable chunks. Chunks that will help empower you in the fight against the ultimate evil.

    Granted, this information rarely takes upon first processing. Years of intense searching led us at the AAA to this point. We have displayed this knowledge then in a non-threatening online publication so as to invite all to our non-wooden table of freedom at their own pace.

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    M. Night Shyamalan's documentary ("The Happening") about trees was labeled as a "thriller" by the MPAA, but make no mistake: the events in this film are truthy. Watch it now!

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