Author Archives: Tree Hater

SNL irresponsibly promotes Trees

Just when you think we’re turning a corner on how people view the macabre menace sprouting all around us, the mainstream media sets us back another 10 years. This past season, Saturday Night Live showcased a pro-tree video rap. Brimming full of propaganda, adorable tree costumes, and CGI graphics injecting almost-President Al Gore, Pete Davidson […]

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Keep foreign trees out

If ever you were looking for a reason to switch to a Windows Phone, you’ve now got it.  The bigwigs at Apple, Inc., looking for a good press win, have begun purchasing and installing a ring of 9,000 wooded warriors to protect their new corporate campus in some sort of twisted devil’s bargain.  But, even […]

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Try before they die

We at Anti-Arboreal Association know that not everyone can quickly incorporate our teachings without a fair amount of deprogramming from the years and years of the trees’ lies. That’s why we’re so grateful that our friends at Owlchemy Labs have built an app for that: Jack Lumber (available on Google Play for Android or the […]

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Scientists point to night time as the right time to attack trees

In a recent paper published in the Frontiers in Plant Science, scientists find that trees let down their guard and sleep through the evening hours. Eetu Puttonen, who was a co-author of the study, says, learning when trees are drowsy and unawares can significantly “help the timber industry (where felled trees should preferably have a […]

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Estonian students literally build megaphones to amplify trees’ lies

Easily the most disturbing news of the week: several students in Estonia wanted to give voice to the rooted creatures surrounding their village, creating a “sculptural art piece” allowing the nearby woods to broadcast their hate 24/7 into the minds of all citizens. Theoretically, the students of the Estonian Academy of Arts will next be […]

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Buy wood products

Saturday Night Live bravely aired two warning shots to late night audiences this past weekend under the guise of “comedy” to avoid serious sapling scrutiny.

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Authentic Woodsman Magazine

While most know our esteemed Association for its hate-filled and fear-mongering tactics, we occasionally like to call out our brethren in the war against trees who show signs of success with a different approach. In this case, the fine folks at the Cat and Girl webcomic have found a means of introducing otherwise-unintending audiences to […]

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Nick Offerman on why he makes wooden furniture

In Issue #2 of The Occasional magazine‘s interview with Nick Offerman, the actor breaks character and explains why he is passionate about making wood furniture: “It’s not that I like building things out of wood; in fact, I hate it. But I just hate trees more. They need to be taught a lesson.” Support brave […]

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Let them feast on their own flesh

We are all aware of the aftermath of feasting on your own species’ flesh: mad cow, spongiform encephalitis, etc. That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips. It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed […]

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The Sound of Sinister

Ever wondered to which music the Ents would march while destroying our civilizations? Wonder no more. German artist Bartholomaus Traubeck bastardized a perfectly good record player to the dark art of playing a tree’s growth rings. Chamber music, it is not. Thanks to BuzzFeed for raising our awareness.

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    What you are about to encounter is years of accumulated knowledge, concised and repackaged into manageable, understandable chunks. Chunks that will help empower you in the fight against the ultimate evil.

    Granted, this information rarely takes upon first processing. Years of intense searching led us at the AAA to this point. We have displayed this knowledge then in a non-threatening online publication so as to invite all to our non-wooden table of freedom at their own pace.

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    M. Night Shyamalan's documentary ("The Happening") about trees was labeled as a "thriller" by the MPAA, but make no mistake: the events in this film are truthy. Watch it now!