Pulp-free Proficiency

Let them feast on their own flesh

We are all aware of the aftermath of feasting on your own species’ flesh: mad cow, spongiform encephalitis, etc.

That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips.


It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed no barrier to the hate moving silently and surreptitiously under the soil to permeate our homes, buildings and more. Now, rather than waste efforts with futile containment, we have perfected a much crueler, sinister and effective barrier: stack their trunk with the carcasses of their fallen brethren. Let them choke on their own disease.

So, as you walk through your sadly-shaded neighborhood this Labor Day weekend, consider ripping out your neighbor’s garden around their trees and helpfully replacing it with the fleshy shreds of the trees who’ve already fallen before the AAA’s sanctimonious shredders.

Do your part today to drive these barked beasts mad from their own poison.