Pulp-free Proficiency

Examples of Evil

Being a militant splinter group, the Anti-Arboreal Association is often confronted with accusations of “spreading lies and deceit” by the uninformed masses. Whereas it would be easiest for us to sit back on our laurels and watch them continue to fall victim to millenias of systematic persecution by the rooted ones, we instead counter with the dissemination of knowledge. Even at the risk of becoming persecuted ourselves. So we ask, “Who are the ones truly ‘spreading lies and deceit,’ as you say? Is it your friendly neighborhood killing machines, the trees, or is it your brother and sister, concerned for your own well-being?”

Seeings as how even this attempt at peaceful mediation to this argument still ends with little positive result, we are forced to bring irrefutable facts to the table. Facts whose authenticity could never be called into question. Facts that would make even the extreme pacifist a militant in the struggle. I ask that you read the following factlets with an open heart and mind and become moved to join the resistance.

The following newsbrief I received right around Christmastime last year. I had just finished wrapping presents for family and friends when my e-mail alert sounded. There I was, at one of the happiest times of the year, and here it was, the deadly reminder that trees wouldn’t even take a break for one of mankind’s biggest annual holidays. Not content with a presence in every home during this time of year, they had begun a campaign of directed mental anguish towards those incapable of installing a tinsel and ornament adorned watchdog in their home.


BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) _ A 50-year-old Romanian man killed himself because he couldn’t afford to buy a Christmas tree for his daughter, a newspaper reported Thursday. Ion Done, a divorced father who lived with his widowed mother and 10-year-old daughter, took own his life after an argument Tuesday with his mother, who wanted him to buy a Christmas for the little girl, daily Evenimentul Zilei reported. Done, whose occupation was unknown, said he couldn’t afford the luxury of a tree. After the argument he threw himself out of the sixth-floor apartment where he lived in the city of Braila, 110 miles northeast of Bucharest. He died immediately, the paper said. Christmas trees in Romania cost between $5 and $20 and are a luxury for anyone earning the country’s average monthly salary of $120. Only about one in ten Romanians can afford trees. Many people instead purchase evergreen branches, which are cheaper.

I did what any proud resistant would after reading this: I sat myself in my living room and smiled, gazing contentedly at my artificial tree, knowing mankind was one step closer to independence with inventions such as this.

Every now and again, one will receive an e-mail from a friend that serves as a reminder of just how brainwashed our people have become. Despite being phrased in the form of an amusing anecdote, the following message has some very disturbing undertones.

Well I was outside with a few of my boyhood pals playing in the yard and we had found my Dad’s just-sharpened hatchet behind our old wood shed. Well, one thing led to another and boys-will-be-boys, next thing I know I’m whacking away at my Mom’s prize winning Cherry tree on a bet. I don’t know what came over me but staring down at the recently proud specimen of arboreal splendor I knew that I would be in trouble. Just then my Dad came out and said, in his sternest now-you’ve-done-it-mister voice, “Did you cut down that cherry tree young man?” and I said……

Regardless of the authenticity of the author’s memory, I would like to point out the messages that ring true regardless of the actual involvement.

1. As children, we are not yet inhibited by the treevery to “protect” them and to “serve” them. We have not yet been indoctrinated with their lies. With their hate. With their false promises. In other words, the actions of the youth are our best hope against fighting these monsters.

2. As adults, we too often yell at our children for their wanton and selfless destruction of trees. We need to be fostering these ideas with the youths. We need to put these “just-sharpened hatchets” in their chubby hands.

3. “Splendor” is a relative term. Relative only to those who FORCE you to believe they are beautiful. Do NOT fall victim to the lies. Do NOT fall victim to the farce. Do NOT let their “seedlings” of doubt infect your mind and thus fall into their barked and evil arms.

Well, people, a very sad, sad event just transpired. I no sooner opened my e-mail box today, when all of a sudden, I was hit with a disgusting, sickening message. A portion is transposed below.


A New York City man who hugged and kissed a tree to avoid paying a fine might have to cough up the money after all. New York newspapers reported Friday that Manhattan delicatessen owner Daniele Malpeli was given a $1,000 summons for chaining his delivery bicycle to the tree in front of his store, as he has done for years. But Parks Commissioner Henry Stern offered Malpeli amnesty if he would apologize to the 2-1/2 story tall tree and give it a hug. “I hugged the tree 20 times and I kissed it too,” Malpeli said.

Again, I cannot reiterate enough times how important it is to be tough on trees. The redeeming value of this message is that this man will now be humiliated with a fine and public coverage of his filthy, tree-loving lifestyle.

Show your support for the anti-tree effort, and wrap metal bark-destroying chains and barbed wire around any tree you can find. That, or print this page out and waste an extra piece of paper today!

Trees’ dependence on mankind proven! Science again corroborates our claims by proving trees flourish off our byproduct and waste. No different than vermin, trees take our breathal excrement, and use it to become more powerful.

Knowing our audience will probably not quit breathing to stop the trees dead in their roots, we merely ask that all members just try to elongate their air intake while shortening their air outtake. Let’s show those trees what 25% less growth rate feels like. That is, what it feels like while they watch mankind wise up to their wily ways.


WASHINGTON (AP) – In a study measuring the effect of a major greenhouse gas, researchers have found trees exposed to increased carbon dioxide grow 25% faster than those without the extra CO2. Researchers enriched the carbon dioxide atmosphere in 100-foot-wide plots of pine trees near Duke University in North Carolina to determine how the plants would respond to an increase in the atmospheric gas. For at least the first two years of the experiment, the trees have thrived and grown more vigorously than did nearby trees without the added carbon dioxide, said Evan H. DeLucia, the first author of study appearing Friday in the journal Science.

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