Pulp-free Proficiency


Trees bring out the worst in people, as you are now surely aware. Fortunately, our members are willing to talk about their problems and adverse conditions so as to educate others. The following letters have been sent to us in these hopes. Read, learn, and act out of this new knowledge.

From “Fat Tony,” October 11, 1999:

We could certainly use your help with the trees. Last week, a two year old boy mysteriously vanished in the wilderness. They don’t know what happened, but I’ll tell you what, sure were a lot of TREES around…

Indeed, sounds a little too coincidental for us here at the Anti-Arboreal Association. Study after study these days shows that two year olds are more than capable of reading, writing and reasoning, and therefore are also more than capable of finding their way out of any “wilderness” any tree may put in front of them.

Of course, our initial reaction (burn the wilderness) was a little hasty. While the AAA certainly condones violence in its quest to destroy the trees, it certainly does not condone efforts that would hurt little children.

Hence, the AAA has initiated a call encouraging locals in the Boulder, CO, area to begin a systematic deforestation effort that should not, under any circumstances, stop upon the finding of the little boy. These trees are sick and twisted and will beckon our youth into their deadly, thorned grasp as long as they live and breath in our neighborhoods.

From “Fat Tony,” October 12, 1999:

Man, I didn’t even tell you about my personal run-in with the trees the weekend before last. True story. I was up in Rocky Mountain National Park hiking. I slipped and fell and there was this conspicuously well placed tree branch on the ground. It had a little nub sticking out where a smaller branch had broken off and I impaled my hand on it. Had to get two stitches. Thought I heard faint laughter as I stumbled back to the car, bleeding profusely. Friends thought it was “just the wind” — but I know better.

Even in delusional, pained states (brought on by the trees’ intense and timeless campaign of human humiliation) our members are able to see through the “acts of nature” that are no accident.

Our only concern lies in this member’s newly contaminated blood. Currently, the AAA has no “scientific” proof concerning the trees’ ability to control the minds of those whose bloodstream now carries the disgusting traces of sap and bark, only rumors and the teachings of the elders. However, there are several endeavors underway to help our brothers and sisters who have been victimized by the trees. Keep the faith.

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