If ever you were looking for a reason to switch to a Windows Phone, you’ve now got it.
The bigwigs at Apple, Inc., looking for a good press win, have begun purchasing and installing a ring of 9,000 wooded warriors to protect their new corporate campus in some sort of twisted devil’s bargain.
But, even worse than letting these barked behemoths spread their rot into the brains of Apple’s engineers? This sick flooding of foliage is forcing other Bay Area businesses to look for out-of-state scabs (errr, stumps) to fill their office park perimeters, allowing these foreign ferned fiends the opportunity to introduce new ideas to their Californian cousins.
Anti-arborists everywhere should rise up and ensure no collaboration between these tree species occur. Let Apple’s new campus serve only as a modern prison for these 9,000 trees, not an opportunity for more of these abominations to plague our neighborhoods.
We at Anti-Arboreal Association know that not everyone can quickly incorporate our teachings without a fair amount of deprogramming from the years and years of the trees’ lies. That’s why we’re so grateful that our friends at Owlchemy Labs have built an app for that: Jack Lumber (available on Google Play for Android or the iOS App Store).
Chop through as many trees, logs, branches and twigs as humanly possible in this fast-paced and fun training exercise. Learn the most effective sneak attacks (remember: attack at night!), try out the latest in power saw technologies, and quickly desentitize your young to the skills they’ll need in this new world order.
See the gameplay in action
Play the game now on Mac, PC, Steambox, iOS and Android and more at jacklumbergame.com
In a recent paper published in the Frontiers in Plant Science, scientists find that trees let down their guard and sleep through the evening hours.
Eetu Puttonen, who was a co-author of the study, says, learning when trees are drowsy and unawares can significantly “help the timber industry (where felled trees should preferably have a low water content), and the rubber industry (where the sap of the tree is exploited and high tree water content is desired during harvesting).”
Even better, this knowledge not only helps commercial interests but also all of mankind.
So, next time you head out for an “evening jog,” don’t forget to grab a handy pocket saw for some late-night defenseless deforestation in your neighborhood. The dreamin’ demons (literally) won’t see it coming until it’s too late to sound the alarm.
Easily the most disturbing news of the week: several students in Estonia wanted to give voice to the rooted creatures surrounding their village, creating a “sculptural art piece” allowing the nearby woods to broadcast their hate 24/7 into the minds of all citizens.
Theoretically, the students of the Estonian Academy of Arts will next be delivering the house keys and weapons of all the town’s people to the trees in complete surrender of their duties to protect their people.
Saturday Night Live bravely aired two warning shots to late night audiences this past weekend under the guise of “comedy” to avoid serious sapling scrutiny.
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While most know our esteemed Association for its hate-filled and fear-mongering tactics, we occasionally like to call out our brethren in the war against trees who show signs of success with a different approach.
In this case, the fine folks at the Cat and Girl webcomic have found a means of introducing otherwise-unintending audiences to the wide world of the multi-facted rugged appearance of the anti-arboreal lifestyle using both comedy and subtle linework.
Kudos to Dorothy Gambrell for helping to spread our ideas subversively.
In Issue #2 of The Occasional magazine‘s interview with Nick Offerman, the actor breaks character and explains why he is passionate about making wood furniture:
“It’s not that I like building things out of wood; in fact, I hate it. But I just hate trees more. They need to be taught a lesson.”
Support brave men like Nick, willing to counter the trees’ lies and hate; buy the issue today.
We are all aware of the aftermath of feasting on your own species’ flesh: mad cow, spongiform encephalitis, etc.
That’s why we at the Anti-Arboreal Association wholly and enthusiastically recommend surrounding your trees with wood chips.
It used to be that folks would surround trees with grass, dirt, flowers, rocks, whatever; simple things that posed no barrier to the hate moving silently and surreptitiously under the soil to permeate our homes, buildings and more. Now, rather than waste efforts with futile containment, we have perfected a much crueler, sinister and effective barrier: stack their trunk with the carcasses of their fallen brethren. Let them choke on their own disease.
So, as you walk through your sadly-shaded neighborhood this Labor Day weekend, consider ripping out your neighbor’s garden around their trees and helpfully replacing it with the fleshy shreds of the trees who’ve already fallen before the AAA’s sanctimonious shredders.
Do your part today to drive these barked beasts mad from their own poison.
Ever wondered to which music the Ents would march while destroying our civilizations? Wonder no more.
German artist Bartholomaus Traubeck bastardized a perfectly good record player to the dark art of playing a tree’s growth rings. Chamber music, it is not.
Thanks to BuzzFeed for raising our awareness.
Some of our ardent fans ask, “How can I participate in the war against trees? What can I possibly do to root out these deviants from my own neighborhood?”
Ask no more.